Cruz-I-Am (Green Eggs Parody)

C-SPAN interrupts its coverage of the U.S. House of Representatives Interleague Bowling Championship to bring you live coverage from the Senate floor – joined in progress – where Sen. Ted Cruz is speaking on the subject of Obamacare.

Would you fund it on a bus?
I would not fund it on a bus.
Would you fund it in a truss?
I would not fund it in a truss.
Would you fund it in a tram?
I would not fund it in a tram.
Would you fund it in Siam?

Not on a bus.
Not in a truss.
Not in a tram.
Not in Siam.
I do not like Obamacare.
The poor should not have cancer care.
I simply could not give a damn.
I do not like it, Cruz-I-am.

Would you like it in Tahiti?
Would you like it with graffiti?
Would you like it all a-twitter?
Would you like it on the shitter?

Not in Tahiti with graffiti.
Not all a-twitter on the shitter.
I do not like Obamacare.
The poor should not have cancer care.

Would you fund it for a laugh?
Would you fund it as a gaff?
Would you fund it for a shtup?
Would you, would you?
C’mon, fess up!

Not for a laugh.
Not as a gaff.
Not for a shtup.
I won’t fess up.
I do not like Obamacare.
The poor should not have cancer care.

Don’t you want to help Hispanics?
Don’t you want health care for manics?
Is your protest all for show?
Is your filibuster faux?

No to manics, no Hispanics,
Not for show, but Fee-Fi-Fo!
I really hate Obamacare.
That is why I tear my hair.

Would you like it smeared with butter?
Would you like it in the gutter?
Would you like it in a brothel?
Would you like it with falafel?

Not smeared with butter in the gutter.
Not in a brothel with falafel.
I do not like Obamacare.
The poor should not have cancer care.

Would you like it fried in mustard?
Would you like it baked in custard?
Would you like it steeped in drama?
Would you like it sans Obama?

Not fried in mustard, baked in custard,
Steeped in drama, sans Obama.
I do not like Obamacare.
The poor should not have cancer care.

McCain! McCain!
Could you, would you
For McCain?
He’d appreciate the gesture so.
(He’s getting on in years you know.)

I would not, could not for McCain.
The aged are a royal pain,
As are the youth, who flout tradition;
All justly headed for perdition
Without a helping hand or poultice;
Let’s hope they’ve perished by the solstice!

Though bodies drop and souls lament,
My conscience fails to feel a dent.
I will not fund Obamacare
And will not change my underwear
For ere as long as I can stand;
What’s more, I vow to hold my breath
Till all can smell the stench of death.

Your thoughts are morbid, vow absurd,
The Senate chambers reek of turd.
Obamacare is not so vexing,
Whether stir-fried or Tex-Mexing.

Will you try it wrapped in foil?
I will not try it wrapped in foil.
Would you take it from a mohel?
I would not take it from a mohel.

Would you take it from a swami?
I would not take it from a swami.
Would you try it with salami?
I would not try it with salami.

Would you fund it cleared of mildew?
I would not fund it cleared of mildew.
Would you fund it, as the French do?
I would not fund it, as the French do.

Would you like it by the seaside?
I would not like it by the seaside.
Would you like it with its tubes tied?
I would not like it with its tubes tied.

Would you fund it as a tactic?
I would not fund it as a tactic.
What about a prophylactic?
I would not fund a prophylactic
Cleared of mildew, wrapped in foil,
From a swami, from a mohel
In the Louvre by the seaside
With its tubes tied or
Procreating merrily,
I’d still approach it warily.
I do not like Obamacare.
The poor should not have cancer care.
I simply could not give a damn.
I do not like it, Cruz-I-am.

Would you fund it for a puppy?
I would not fund it for a puppy.
Would you fund it for a guppie?
I would not fund it for a guppie.

Would you fund it hot, with noodles?
I would not fund it hot, with noodles.
Would you fund it humping poodles?
I would not fund it humping poodles.

Would you fund it raping nuns?
I would not fund it raping nuns.
Would you fund it firing guns?
I would not fund it firing guns,
Raping nuns, humping poodles
Hot with noodles, or a puppy
Or a guppie or a goldfish
Obamacare’s still no fish I would
Care to catch.
Like the frumious bandersnatch,
I simply do not give a damn.
I do not like it, Cruz-I-am.

Would you fund it as a trap?
Would you fund it with the clap?
Would you fund it mixed with pork?
Would you fund it as a dork?
Would you fund it as a honcho?
Would you fund it in a poncho?
Would you fund it doused in Mennen?
Would you fund it spouting Lenin?

Not spouting Lenin,
Doused in Mennen mixed with pork,
As a honcho, as a dork
As a trap or with the clap or in a poncho,
This is one honcho
Who does not like Obamacare.
The poor should not have cancer care.

Would you fund it while being paddled?
Would you fund it, since you’re addled?
Would you fund it wrapped in plastic?
Would you fund it, since you’re spastic?
Would you fund it in the heather?
Would you fund it dressed in leather?

Not in the heather, dressed in leather,
Wrapped in plastic, spry or spastic,
Paddled, addled, heathery or feathery,
Obamacare just leaves me frumpy.
Brain gets frozen, shorts get clumpy.
I don’t know why you keep on asking.
I can’t stand all this multitasking.

It’s just because you haven’t tried it!
How do you know it would not flatter?
True, you’re mad as any hatter
Lurking in a fen or bog;
Still, I’ll bet a pint of grog
That if you were a gandy dancer
With no support and wracked with cancer
You’d sweep the cobwebs from your hair
And sign up for Obamacare!

I’ll never be a gandy dancer
And hopefully I won’t get cancer,
But if I do, my benefactors
(The Koch brothers, and other actors)
Will buy for me a hospital
Or two, perhaps even a petting zoo
Where I can sit, relax, and pray
And read from children’s books all day.

*  *  *
The preceding was (obviously) a parody of the classic Dr. Seuss work Green Eggs and Ham, originally published by Random House in 1960.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: