Speaking before TV cameras on Wednesday, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said that under a little-known provision of Obamacare, average Americans might be required by the federal government to submit to sex change operations. She described what she called “gender panels” composed of “eastern liberals and homosexuals” who would act as “equipment inspectors.” Unlike traditional inspectors of meat, poultry, or agricultural equipment, these panels would inspect personal equipment and make binding recommendations accordingly.
“We’re for less government,” said Bachmann. “The government already has too many balls in the air. But under this provision, men judged lacking in balls would be packed off for surgical procedures that would turn them into women at the expense of the American taxpayer.”
Upon hearing this, House Speaker John Boehner reportedly redoubled his opposition to Obamacare. “But I don’t want to be a woman,” he sobbed into a Kleenex. “Tell me honestly,” he asked Republican Whip Eric Cantor. “Do I look fat?”
“Not fat, just orange,” Cantor replied. Boehner was later seen viewing a copy of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid while drinking mescal and furtively glancing over his shoulder.
Dr. William Adelstein, a psychologist attached to the University of Maryland (though not overly so), disputes Bachmann’s claims. “I can find nothing in the Affordable Care Act remotely resembling gender panels,” he stated. “Many right-wingers secretly want to kill their mothers and marry Abraham Lincoln. This leads to the development of a castration complex and the irrational fear that eastern liberals will spike their Wheatena with saltpeter.”
Adelstein was originally scheduled to air his views on the Rush Limbaugh show, but had to cry off due to a morbid fear of fat, balding cigar-smokers addicted to painkillers.
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